I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
