i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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