She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
