The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize