If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
