He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize