Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
