Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
