when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I need to align my fucking chakras
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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