So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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