Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
