It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
