fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize