So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
