life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
