this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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