when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
