Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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