3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
