My underwear smells like fireworks.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
