Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
