saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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