Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
