i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Randomize
