So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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