If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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