So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
