I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
