im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
