I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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