Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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