break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
