how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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