So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
