I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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