I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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