I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
