: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize