u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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