I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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