Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
