My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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