that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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