"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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