so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Actions speak louder than pants.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
