Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
