your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
