I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
