During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I can't put those talents on a resume
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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