Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just want nice things and good sex
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
