I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
