I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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