so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize