Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
