dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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