u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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