I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
