Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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