youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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