The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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