you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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