even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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