A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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